Kids and laughter go together, like love and marriage and a horse and carriage.

For years Reader's Digest was a necessity in many homes, providing condensed versions of articles that created information, entertainment and laughter. "Laughter Is the Best Medicine" was just one of its important contributions to our reading before the advent of the Internet. It was Benjamin Franklin who first said "Three can keep a secret if two are dead." Combine these two sources and you get today's Internet version of something to lighten your day. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

October 13, 2010

I Know It's Hard, But Smile Anyway, It's Good for Your Health

In the great desert lived a band of nomads. Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in this hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you not remember the ancient legend, sire. The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend, but being a modern man, he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion was "A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

October 7, 2010 - 2nd Article

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine .. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.

Tech support: ; Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.

Customer: I have problems printing in red..

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer: !, OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah that one does work..

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'

And last but not least...

Sometimes, you just need to call it a day and go home!

October 7, 2010

There was a Norwegian immigrant man who had worked all his life on his North Dakota farm and had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his beautiful Norwegian wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there -- dressed in black, and her best friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Norwegian Lutheran and I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did," answered the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and I wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

October 6, 2010

Who Do You Think Gets the Last Laugh?

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He didn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -- 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I at least get an amen from the motherhood?

September 23, 2010

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?"

"Why yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?"

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?"

"Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!"

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He had been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh...mmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?"

"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation.

The gentleman could not believe his ears, and did a fast u-turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in.

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible love making imaginable, the gentleman woke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?"

He shook her awake and pleaded, "Can I ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"The same thing I always tell them," the lady said, "you don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time."

September 21, 2010

Some Pithy Words From Some Famous and Not So Famous People

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: -- "No good in a bed, but fine
against a wall." Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. Mark Twain

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." Lillian Carter (Mother of Jimmy Carter)

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan

Until I was 13, I thought my name was SHUT UP. Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at 50, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

September 10, 2010

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a 5-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked."

Holding up the bucket he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

August 26, 2010

Almost a Good Laugh:

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

August 25, 2010

(Ed's Note: Laughter is the BEST medicine. Never take yourself too seriously, you might become constipated and feel really full of yourself. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh at the follies of others, learn to laugh at the world, and learn to laugh at life—it simply makes everything easier and better. I would fly Kulula Airlines in a heartbeat. And, oh yes, there really is a Kulula Airlines.)

Kulula is an airline with its headquarters in Johannesburg. Kulula Airline attendants make an effort during the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements to be a bit more entertaining.

Here are some examples that have been heard or reported:

There is no assigned seating on a Kulula flight. Passengers were having a hard time choosing a seat when a flight attendant announced:

"People, people, we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

Darkness Hides a Lot

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

A Warning on Landing

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you are going to leave anything, please make sure it is something we would like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Well, Thank You, Very Much

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

Hold Your Horses

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

Notre Dame Right

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

You Will Get Found Out

From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula Flight 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and if you do not know how to operate one, you probably should not be out in public unsupervised."

Please, Don't Scare Your Children

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

Our Love Never Ends

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we will try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

The Floating Is On Us!

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

Only Leave With the Important Things

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Sorry, Maybe Next Time

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Are You Kidding Me?

Heard on Kulula Flight 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what you all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it was not the airline's fault, it was not the pilot's fault, it was not the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

Acknowledging the Obvious

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

The Perfect Comeback

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

Yes, She Really Said It

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Just Remember Kulula

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

Good Luck, and God Speed

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

A Shocking Ending

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made this announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town, The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.

"Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOODNESS!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in the back then yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

August 23, 2010 - 2nd Article

Be Careful About How You Describe Your Perfect Women

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

August 10, 2010 - 2nd Article

Actual Comments by Teachers on Student Report Cards in New York City's Public School System

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All of the teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!).

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot (my favorite).

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

August 9, 2010 - 2nd Article

Actual Police Comments Made by Officials in the Line of Duty

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. " Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

And the winner is . . .

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

July 15, 2010

Finding the Perfect Job Can Be a Real Pain in the Butt

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it --
mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way
I sliced it . . . couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
have any patience.

9. Next was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard, but
just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance
Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I
wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got
a job as a Historian -- until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
it was the same old grind.

15. So, I tried retirement, and found I'm perfect for the job!

July 11, 2010

A New "Dr. Seuss" Book

I do not like this Uncle Sam, I do not like his health care scam.

 I do not like these dirty crooks, or how they lie and cook the books.

I do not like when Congress steals, I do not like their secret deals.

I do not like this speaker Nan, I do not like this "YES WE CAN."

I do not like this spending spree, I'm smart, I know that nothing's free.

I do not like your smug replies, when I complain about your lies.

I do not like this kind of hope. I do not like it you BIG Dope.

I do not like it NOPE NOPE NOPE!

July 10, 2010

What Would You Think If Someone Followed You to School Every Day?

A mom was concerned about her second-grade son walking to school. He did not want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably would not notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is." The little girl said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.

"And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"

A bonus greeting for you today:

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon you, and give you peace.

July 3, 2010

A Dog Story About "Ol' Blue" and His Clever Handler

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot him before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington, DC as a Congressman.

June 28, 2010

Copyright © 2010 Ed Bagley

I turned 66 years old yesterday. My children and grandchildren would not have a clue who Bob Hope was if I did not tell them that Bob Hope was the greatest Stand-Up Comedian of my generation.

Hope was born in 1903 in England, and his family immigrated to the United States in 1908. He was an American comedian and actor who appeared in vaudeville, on Broadway, and in radio, television and movies. He was 100 when he died in 2003.

Hope, like Frank Sinatra, was able to change with the times and remained a headliner for 70 years.

For 5 decades he entertained our troops around the world, and especially during wartime. Hope appeared in or hosted 199 USO shows, starting in 1941 during World War II, and ending in 1991 during the Persian Gulf War.

As a comedian, Hope was the master of timing when telling a joke; there has been no one better before or after. His dead pan approach has never been duplicated, or enjoyed by so many of his fans.

One other thing about Bob Hope – you never heard a filthy word out of his mouth. He did not cuss or use off-color comments. Most of today's comedians would not have become popular in this liberated world without using the f-word and other associated cuss words in their routines.

During my 20-year career in the newspaper industry, I had the pleasure of spending some time with Bob Hope while writing a feature story on him. Among the famous and diverse people I interviewed and wrote about (including Ted Kennedy and Jose Feliciano), I put Bob Hope on the top of my list for great interviewing experiences.

Here is a sample of Bob Hope's humor. Hopefully, even the younger generations can appreciate Bob Hope at his best.

On turning 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill."

On turning 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

On turning 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

On turning 100: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

On giving up his early career in boxing: "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them." (Hope boxed briefly under the name Packy East, once making it to the semifinals of the Ohio novice championship.)

On never winning an Oscar: "Welcome to the Academy Awards or -- as it's called at my home -- Passover."

On golf: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." (An avid golfer, he played his way to a 4-handicap, and counted the rich and famous among his foursomes.)

On Presidents: "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only 6."

On why he chose showbiz for his career: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations, you have an 8-pound ham'."

On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

On his family's early poverty" "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." (Hope was the 5th of 7 sons.)

On his 6 brothers: "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

On his early failures: "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

On going to heaven: "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Why post this here? For this reason: Give me a sense of humor, Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks.

June 19, 2010

Yes, this is from an edition of "You know you're a redneck when . . . "

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn the grass in your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

June 17, 2010

These quotes are apparently from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Now, come on, don't you feel better after you've laughed (out loud) at the goofy things people say in the courtroom? I laugh just thinking about some of the above statements. Have a great day!

June 15, 2010 - 2nd Article

Two blondes were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said "Disneyland LEFT". They started crying, and turned around and went home.

Florida or the Moon?

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away . . . Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?"

Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Speeding Ticket

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license, and today you expect me to show it to you!"

River Walk

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river, then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

At the Doctor's Office

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office, and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."

Knitting on the Fly

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

'"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

Blonde on the Sun

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

In a Vacuum

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

Timing Is Everything

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs"!

(Ed's Note: Do not send me an email complaining about posting some dumb blonde jokes. I could just as easily substitute "brunette" or "men" for "blonde"; get over it, it's some jokes at the expense of blondes. If you are a blonde and can't laugh at yourself, you really need a check up from the neck up.)

June 9, 2010

In a convent in Ireland, a 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a sip, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."

June 2, 2010

He Asked for Help and She Was There

A 16-year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just $15." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for $15?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for $15."

"Oh my Goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for $15 and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back.

"He claimed he was stranded and needed cash," she continued, "and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

"So I did."

May 22, 2010

The Thinking of a Liberal Progressive Mind Can Be a Toxic Experience

When your friends cannot explain why they voted for Liberal Progressives, give them this list. They can then pick a reason.

10) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I believe oil company profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% is not obscene.

9) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

8) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because "Freedom of Speech" is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

7) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I am way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

6) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I believe that people who cannot tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in 10 years if I do not start driving a Prius.

5) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I am not concerned about the slaughter of millions of babies through abortion so long as we keep all death row inmates alive.

4) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social security benefits. After all, they are illegal aliens, they do not contribute to the same system that we do, they are broke and unfortunate souls, and they deserve the fruits of our labor.

3) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even, and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the liberal progressives see fit.

2) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the United States Constitution every few months to suit some special population group who would never get their agendas past the voters.

1) I voted for a Liberal Progressive because my head is so firmly planted in a dark place that it is unlikely that I will ever be able to see and appreciate another point of view. And, even if I did, the point of view offered by anyone disagreeing with me would be a dumb, stupid, retarded right-wing, gun-toting, God-loving, baby-saving conservative nut case. Don't you dare tell me I am not brilliant and articulate. After all, my name is I. M. Kookie.

Ed's Note:

This posting is clearly designed as humor to irritate the hell out of liberal progressive thinkers; I use the word "thinkers" very loosely in this case. That said, I try not to discriminate (too much).

You are welcome to email me an equally irritating piece on conservative progressive thinkers. If you cannot laugh at yourself and your opposition, why laugh at all? The majority of our representatives in Congress are so self-centered and self-absorbed that most of their time is spend doing what they do best—lying, cheating, stealing and having affairs as they make their way through Congress.

Consequently, they are so up tight as to be constipated, literally, and figuratively in their thinking—that is why we call them politicians rather than the great thinkers from Washington, DC. (News flash: It's OK to smile.)

May 19, 2010

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance, never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector -- not wanting to get a toe blown off -- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

August 19, 2009

June 27, 2009

August 3, 2008

It Is Just Like Johnny Carson Always Used to Say: How Soon They Forget

Copyright © 2008 Ed Bagley

(Editor's Note: This piece was floating around the Internet so I cleaned it up and posted it as good examples of comebacks. I do not believe there are stupid questions, only stupid answers or great answers. Here are some examples of great answers.)

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return."

You could have heard a pin drop.

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American engineers. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room and said, "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied, "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.

"We have 11 such ships. How many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the United States, English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks when a French admiral suddenly complained that, "whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English."

He then asked, "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, "Maybe it is because the British, Canadians, Australians and Americans arranged it so you would not have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

Here is another exchange of words worth noting:

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"

Mr. Whiting gave the Frenchman a long hard look, and then explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I could not find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

The king of late night talk show hosts, Johnny Carson, often used this signature line to explain such events: "How soon they forget." Amen, Johnny, amen.

March 16, 2008

Copyright © 2008 Ed Bagley

(Editor's Note: There could be no better time to run this story than during a Presidential campaign year. This has been floating around the Internet and deserves more exposure here on my Blog.)

While walking down the street one day a U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we are not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," replies the senator.

"Well, I would like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we will do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend your eternity."

"Really, I have made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I am sorry, but we do have rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people they represented. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, a really friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it is time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I do not understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

 March 3, 2008

Copyright © 2008 Ed Bagley

(Editor's Note: This piece on humor by children is floating around the Internet. If you have not caught up with it yet, this is your chance to understand why some of the greatest humor you will ever hear comes from the tender innocence of our smallest children as they make new discoveries.)

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she did not remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Editor's Note: For more humor, go to my section on News and Comment and click on the Humor link. For a treasure trove of interesting quotes simply click on my Famous Quotes section. And read my movie reviews about youth, including "Akeelah and the Bee", "Saint Ralph", "High School Musical" and "2 Movies About Young Adults That Prove Their Integrity and Substance".

(Editor's Note: Every once in a awhile humor comes to me in an email that is worth sharing. Here is an example.)

Lawyers should never ask an Alabama grandma a question if they are not prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot, when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I will send you to the electric chair."

March 19, 2007

Laughter: A Good Medicine

Copyright © 2007 Ed Bagley